To Stand Alone

Hi!
A lot of things have happened since I last wrote my last post. I finally was able to get both a thesis advisor and successful pass my defense . Now my world is tumbling down -again- . I have to find another thesis advisor for reasons I dont know.

I feel like falling, I'm so lost and confused. There are a lot of "what if's" spinning in my head.I'm worried that I cant make it thur. I'm all alone, I know that I still have some of my friends but , I cant always relay on them. I can accept their help, but I don;t want to depend on them too much...because I know that I cant force them to be with me, they have their own lives. I cant impose on them, because I too have my own life.

I have to stand on my own, this is my life. It may not be easy but how can I give up without trying it first? I will not back down, even if its so hard and I feel like I cant take it, I will endure it all because ...I cant and wont give up. I may burst to tears because I feel so lonely because I am all by myslef, since I work alone...in my thesis and all. But the sun will shine on me once again.

It may be lonely and hard but I know that even if I am standing on mo own, somehow God will never a bounden me.I also have my family and friends who support me, even if we are not exactly living in one world anymore.

If I have to shed blood and tears in order to pass and move forward, so be it. I wont give up, I have nothing to lose anymore but giving up has never been part of my vocabulary.

To fight until my dieing breath, I will do it. I will make my own way, let no one stand in my way.

Sometimes its really hard to care, and offer your help and yet you are still the one who turns up as the " villain "

Hi!
What’s up? You know my assumption friend, is such a sweet girl and all but we don’t see eye-to-eye at times. I don’t boast, because I too know how hard it is to work on their thesis .Since it did take me 3 days, of begin rejected before I finally found my thesis advisor on the third day.

She didn’t exactly boast but she wasn’t humble either. You know last week? She didn’t attend class just so that she and her partner can “finish their thesis” , I texted her since I was worried .She told me she didn’t plan to have another absent after her last absence from class, so I grew worried. It was like she literally “shoved” it in to my face that they “passed before me” and that I was left behind.

She never replied to my text, do you know why? Coz she said she was too busy working on her thesis and she forgot to text back. I can understand her “busy” with their thesis, but here is the point: she has a partner I don’t and its just one text. If I don’t reply to her text, she gets mad . I on the other hand was moping, because I never skipped class but wasn’t able to submit my thesis , they submitted their thesis earlier than me.

It was alright for me if they submitted it earlier, but I felt injustice because they never did consult with our professor unlike me. Our professor hated how persistent I was, always “consulting with her” whenever I had any questions or clarifications.
Now the tables have turned , I was already approved and have a thesis advisor .I will pass my thesis proposal tomorrow , I am proud of my hard work and effort, but I don’t brag. Because without my family and friends I would be get nowhere. So I decided to call her, and see how she was doing, it was a innocent question enough .

How is your thesis ? were you able to consult with our professor today with your partner? I don’t know if she was annoyed because I will defend soon and they won’t, but I don’t like her answer. No, I didn’t and besides my partner has class, I then asked her so your doing your thesis alone again? She grew silent and then my uneasy grew. It was obvious that she didn’t like to discuss it, but it gives her no right to make me feel bad. I was the one offering to help her, I didn’t brag to her that I will defend before her, but how dare she grow cold to me, just because I offered to help .If she doesn’t need my help, then fine .She has her partner, if she will always wait for her partner, its their problem not mine.

I don’t have a partner, that’s why working along is difficult because I can’t depend on anyone else but myself .But what went wrong? I just asked her if she wanted help, why is she like that? I feel guilty now, like she “manipulated” me in feeling guilty .Because I “left her behind” , and that I should have let her and her “kind” partner defend first before me.

Another of my friend told me just yesterday, “good luck, he is too busy to become a thesis advisor” .When I answered her, that I would choose our professor. The way she said it was alright, but it was obvious- I would be blind not to notice how sarcastic she was- she didn’t have to say it but I know she would have said – if we weren’t friends- he is too out of your range and unlike you I already have a potential thesis advisor .

Well here is the thing, you wont defend yet .I will and I already have official permission to ask for a thesis advisor , and defend, do you? It nice to be honest but very rude and mean to discourage others because of your own disappointment, at your own failure and your thesis partner lack of motivation. So don’t you guys dare blame me, I have to work alone but I don’t need to bring myself down. Why should I? I may not have a partner but at least I don’t need to depend on anyone else before I act, unlike you who both have thesis partners but don’t act because of their lack of motivation.

Now who is the one disappointed? Not me –obviously- whatever happens I will strive and do my best .I won’t be disappointed because I don’t depend on anyone and that I know that, the more I get “shoved or pushed down” I will not back down. If you want a fight, I will gladly give you one.

A knock from the past

Hiya!
It’s strange, you’ve always heard the saying “it’s a small world” but you would have never thought that it could happen to you. It’s been five years since I last left and graduated from high school. I would never thought I would see them again .It is indeed a small world –literally- now after five years, they are still the same –same appearance and profession- .I know I am still a student and all. But at somehow I feel that I really changed .I am different, no longer a shadow of my former self .I lost some of my childish innocence , I am a little confident mow, no longer shy and timid.

I am also very, very cynical -sad really- .I was not like this before, but somehow along the way of growing up, I grew tired of begin the naïve once, the one who keeps crying and begin picked upon .I have to grow up, so that I can be the person I want to be . I “molded” myself into a person is somehow braver and confident- a more stronger and reliable self- .So when the hard times do come, I wont just cry, blame myself and mope. After shedding a few tears, everything will be alright. I never thought I would see them again .I mean the country is so big, what are the changes of meeting a person you knew 5 years ago? Bizarre really. The first person I saw was my former teacher and commandant –this person hated my guts for always messing up literally- .He was surprised to see me , to be honest I was tempted to ignore him but he saw me already .

This person made my life hell, because of C.A.T.I cried and sweats blood under the training we had under him. - I was an officer and now you know the rest - but for once I didn’t feel anything, I felt numb . I didn’t feel any fear or shyness – if you saw me 5 years ago, talking to him I couldn’t look to him in the eye without stuttering like an idiot- I recall talking to him, 90% he scolded me and made me cry and the 10% is just neutral . I am far from the carefree person I was before. I still worry and panic, - I am still human after all- I hate making a fuss, because it wont help me, it will just make things worse . By wasting my time worrying. I made some mistakes in the past and now it’s too late to undo them .its too late to fix them because it has already happened , its already part of my past.

But them I saw her , my other teacher from high school – honestly am I jinxed or something? –it was nice seeing her again , she was the only one I recall that really saw me . she saw past my smiling mask, and told me “I shouldn’t feel sad when the other don’t say thank you, because I was unappreciated “ . you know what she first asked me? What went wrong? Wasn’t I suppose to have graduated already? I answered her, because of my thesis I was delayed. But you know its sad, I know that punishing myself wont really help matters because its already been done and all. But I feel regret.. I feel sad because I felt that I failed myself and my parents .I can’t do anything about the past, it already happened. But I can do something now , to improve my future. I don’t want to regret , it wont help me it will just make me feel sad and disappointed in myself.

I made a mistake , and its alright – we all make mistakes - I’ve learned my lesson and now its time to stop moping about the what ifs because its already gone .The opportunity passed once, but now I will not let it pass me without putting up a fight. I will make the best of what I have today, so I can help build my future. When you fall, you can only sit for a while but eventually you still have to get up . life is not finish , until you are longer breathing and living. Even a broken person, can still find the courage to stand and live, why can’t we? .Life goes on, so should we. =)

Life at its worst

Don’t we all feel that there is a day in our lives that the world is against us? We don’t need to hide the fact or deny it because consciously or unconsciously e all feel this; some acknowledge it while others suffer in silence. We don’t need to do anything, there would always be a person who would hate us regardless of what we do, may it be good or bad .It's sad but reality hurts, I don’t why these things happen. I can only conclude that the reasons for liking a person may also be the same reasons a person may be disliked and hated for.

The reasons may be found in our race, culture, difference and physical aspects. We can ask what’s wrong with that. Even if we don’t see anything wrong with that? Why is it like this? I don’t understand why people continue to cri others and intentionally harm the others around them, just because they cannot get over the idea and concept that people are not like them.

They cannot grasp the idea and issues like the differences in races, gay and lesbian relationships. What’s wrong with that? .These is also people we are talking about, we don’t have the right to judge them. We all breathe the same air and drink the same water; we all have a right to be here.


They are no different from us; they are also people trying to live happily, just like any person would. Its cruel to judge people harshly just because others cannot accept the growing changes in the world .the world is changing everyday , it cannot be avoided .we can only embrace it and accept that things may change but we are all people, we have the bonds of love, friendship and loyalty to our county, family and friends.

Let’s support and help one another; we don’t have to place these barriers against one another, it would be better to live in a world where peace and understanding is in it. It’s lonely and hard to be alone and afraid, but no one has to endure it alone. There are many issues to talk about but only one message , we all have the right to be here, regardless of what people say against us, they may try to bring us down but we know tat we didn’t do anything wrong and that we have the right to be here, just like them.


Its cruel to think but people can be cruel and harsh to others ,just because they cannot understand .we are all not strangers to this, its ironic to think but why does the bad things always happen to good people? The worst things always happen to people who live life honorable and lead a good life, yet they are always the one who suffer the most. People ask others why they cry and suffer, yet its sometimes sad to think they are only asking for the sake of their curiosity and not concern .its sad but you can really tell if a person is honest in caring or not asking for the sake of curiosity.

Determination verses fear

Can I make it?
Am I weak or strong? To others I am weak, small, fragile and stupid. No one wants to help me, I stand alone it’s so cold…where has everyone gone? Why did they leave me? Have I done anything wrong? Yes, I have what we can say friends, but do they care? Do they accept me for who I am? So many questions, so little time.

Yet my biggest question is “can I make it?” I‘m still studying in college but I am uncertain and afraid, can I make it? Can I pass all my subjects and my thesis? Can I withstand the pain and carry on? Ca I stand strong by myself, knowing that when I fall, no one will be there to catch me? Through out my life, I have lived in solitude, loneliness yet here I stand as evidence to those trials.

But why am I weak and annoying? I’m scared, of failing. I don’t know where I am headed, the future looks so dark. I don’t know what to do; I don’t know what will happen in the future or even tomorrow.
But there is one thing I know, one thing that is certain. The battle is not over; it won’t be over until I give up. I won’t give up without a fight. I can still stand up and make it to the top, people call me names and labels that I am weak, annoying, stupid and useless, what do they know? We may know people but we don’t have any right to judge them, nor do they have the right to judge us.

No matter how hard it is, I can do this. I have to do my best and finish this battle. I only have to believe in myself and everything will turn out alright. Dreams may be like stars that are to far and high to reach, but no matter how rocky the road is, no matter how many times I fall and stumble I can’t and won’t give up.

We were born alone, so we will die alone as well. I don’t want to depend on anyone, I don’t want to face the sadness and disappointment that I will feel when I fail and bring others down because of my mistake. Id rather be alone, like the lone wolf. If may be lonely but at lease I can proudly say that I’ve reached the top with all my hard work, courage and determination to succeed.

I can’t give up, sure no one inspires me but this is my battle, if I can’t fight and let others do it for me, how will I earn? How will I learn how to be independent and strong? I will do my best, even if the situation ands to the last drop of my blood, I won’t give up, I will make it. Just like Hinata and Naruto , I will have my own way”